Connection

[Oaktree]

@Captain24 

If you find the answer to how to go easier on yourself can you please let me in on the secret?

I need to be more compassionate with myself really. I wouldn't think less of another person if they only got passes in things or didn't do things perfectly. However, I am so hard on myself. It really doesn't make any sense. I am still trying to work out who I am trying to prove myself to.

[tyme]

That's a great way of putting it. I remember my psych used to ask me to speak to my younger self. He'd question me and ask whether I'd speak to you child self that way e.g. "You are not good enough because you got 99%" @Oaktree @Magpie22 @Captain24 

[Oaktree]

@tyme 

Actually my psych on Tuesday asked me if I would speak to a child that way. She wanted me to address my younger self. I had quite forgotten that until you mentioned it. Obviously I didn't think much of the idea lol

[Captain24]

Mine was actually 98% and was told that’s not good enough! @tyme It does

affect my life and in a pretty bad way!

If I figure it out I’ll let you know. @Oaktree I’m just trying to tell myself that it’s ok to not have it perfect. It’s not working but maybe one day I’ll listen. 

I would expect it of anyone else either and I’d tell them that it’s ok but there is no way I can do that to myself. I actually don’t get when people say talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone else. 

[tyme]

Maybe we all have to band together to teach each other some self-compassion! @Captain24 @Oaktree 

I think I used to be a lot harder on myself, but over the years, I've come to realise that I just simply CAN'T have things as perfect as I'd like. I just need to give it my best shot- or I'd get nothing done!

[Magpie22]

@Azalea the rejection sensitivity is real… thanks neurospicy brain 

but yeah - my head knows it’s not me, but my emotions carry all the feels 

[Magpie22]

I struggle with perfectionism too, although I have managed to work on it. 
It sounds weird, but when I had some health issues and just couldn’t do things how I wanted I had to learn to let things go because I simply couldn’t do it how I wanted. Clock that up as another “positive” I gained from my cancer journey 

@tyme @Captain24 @Oaktree @0ddsidian @Azalea 

[ccau_82]

More thoughts - Six types of "lonely" that have nothing to do with how many people you know:

1. Authenticity Deficit - You're surrounded by people but can't show up as your actual self. Always performing "fine" while your nervous system is doing something entirely different underneath.

2. Contextual Isolation - No one gets the operational reality without you having to explain it. Civilians don't understand why certain things activate you, so you're constantly translating your experience into acceptable language. Exhausting.

3. Regulation Isolation - Nowhere your nervous system can actually rest. You might socialise, but your guard never comes down. No access to genuine co-regulation - you're managing everything solo.

4. One-Sided Connection - Always being the one reaching out. Your system registers: "If I don't initiate, nothing happens." That's not needy, that's pattern recognition.

5. Meaning-Making Solitude - Processing big questions alone - identity, purpose, transition. When you can't reflect on the deeper stuff with people who understand both the service context AND civilian life.

6. Help-Seeking Shutdown - Your nervous system learned that self-sufficiency = survival. Even when you know you need support, your body won't let you access it. Asking for help feels like weakness.

Finding even ONE person where you don't have to perform. Where your system can practice being seen without the guard up. Not "networking" or "being social" - genuine nervous system safety with another human.

[0ddsidian]

I love this @ccau_82. I often talk about the difference between social isolation and loneliness, but this goes a few steps further.

Do you feel like there is a type of lonely that's hardest to combat for you? For me it's "Help-Seeking Shutdown".

What do others think?

@Magpie22 @Oaktree @tyme @Captain24 @Azalea @BecomingOkay @Breakfast68 

[ccau_82]

I would say 4 & 6 for me @0ddsidian ... i often feel like I'm constantly reaching out to and connecting with others but not getting that same level of connection in return. 

Plus I've always struggled to ask for help ♡ getting better at that...